Happy new year 2011

Haapy New year 2011,
Kyonki Kaviraj Kabirji ne Kaha hai
kal kare so aaj kar, aaj kare so ab, network busy ho jayega,
Wish Karega Kab

work station

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station….
What more can I say……..

Mad

A school inspector asked the class, "If length of the platform is 200 metres and speed of the train is 100 kilometres what should be my age?" 
Noting the absurdity of the question, a clever student answered, "Fifty years, sir." The answer was absolutely correct. 
The inspector was astounded. He asked the boy his method of calculation. "Simple, sir," the boy replied, "I have an elder brother aged 25 years and everybody calls him half mad!" 

Friends

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."


The friend says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"


The first guy says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them."

रामू

रामू की पत्नी ने फ्राइंगपैन उठाकर रामू के सिर पर दे मारा।

रामू (चिल्लाते हुए)- तुमने मुझे क्यों मारा।

पत्नी- तुम्हारी डायरी में किसी बसंती का नाम लिखा है। कौन है ये बसंती?

रामू- कल मैंने रेस में जिस घोड़ी पर दांव लगाया था। उसका नाम है।

पत्नी- अच्छा आय एम सॉरी!

अगले दिन रामू की बीवी ने फिर मारा।

रामू- अब क्यों मारा?

पत्नी- तुम्हारी घोड़ी का फोन आया है.. जाकर उठा लो!!!!

Gandhi ji

Gandhiji Marne Se Pehle Kya The?
....................... No Idea...?
Chal main hi bata deti hu Gandhiji Marne Se Pehle 'ZINDA' the !!

Bunty

Teacher:Is line ko english me banao:usne apna kaam kiya aur karta hi gaya.
Bunty:He done his work and done dana dan dan

Santa Banta

Snta daaru pi k taala kholne Laga
Hath kapne ki vajh se tala nhi khula
Bnta-me khol du

Snta-me khol lunga tu makan pakd sala Hil rha h

चिंटू

चिंटू कक्षा में एक गधा लेकर आया।
अध्यापक (चिंटू से)- इसको कक्षा में क्यों लेकर आए हो?
चिंटू- सर आपने ही तो कहा था कि आपने कई गधों को इंसान बनाया है, अब इसे बनाओ..!!!

संता

संता किसी लड़की के घर रिश्ता लेकर गया। लड़की के मां-बाप बोले हमारी बेटी अभी पढ़ रही है।
संता- कोई बात नही हम एक घंटे बाद आ जाएंगे।

centre govt holidays

School Teacher: What is common between Buddha, Jesus, Mahavir and Guru Nanak Dev Ji?

Student: All of them were born on Indian centre govt  holidays!

Boy

Teacher : "I love you" ka janam kaha hua?
Boy : China me.Kyonki iski na koi gurranty hai aur na koi warranty, chale to chand tak na chale to shaam tak.

watchman & blonde

Museum Watchman: That is a 500 year old statue you have broken.

Blond: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

Wife Husband

Wife : Mujhe kisi mehengi jagah le kar chaliye na.
Husband : Chalo; tayyar ho jao.
Wife : Kaha.
Husband : petrol pump par.

Divorce lawyer

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing `Love` stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he`s doing.

`I`m sending out 1,000 Valentine`s Day cards signed, `Guess who?`
`But why?` asks the man.
`I`m a divorce lawyer.`

Laloo & Rabri

Laloo and Rabri were on an African Safari when a lion suddenly dragged Rabri with his jaws.

Rabri: Shoot him, Shoot him!

Laloo: Wait! Wait! Let me change the battery of my camera.

Wafadar Pati

jo pati wafadar hote hai wo mar kar sidhe swarg me jate hai aur jo wafadar nahi hote unke liye to dharti hi swarg ban jati hai...

Haryana men

2 Haryanvi men were searching for their lost wife in a festival at Hissar city.

First Haryanvi:  How does your wife look like?

Second Haryanvi: She is 5'7", 36-24-36 sexy figure, fair, sweet, beautiful, green sexy eyes, brown hair... And yours?

First Haryanvi: Forget mine, let us look for yours...

donkey

ek admi bus me bola : Lagta hai bus me janvar bhare hai.
doosra admin : Haan sabhi tarah ke janvar hai; sirf ek gadhe ki kami thi.

Teacher & Student

Teacher : Give example of active and passive voice.
Student : Active-TERE MAST MAST DO NAIN MERE DIL KA LE GAYE CHAIN.
Passive-MERE DIL KA LE GAYE CHAIN TERE MAST MAST DO NAIN. :)

Baniya

Baniya ask to Taxi Driver: CP wale gurudware jayega kya?
Taxi Driver: Han jaon ga.
Baniya ne jaib se lunchbox nikala or kaha:
Wapsi main langar ka khana lete aana.

chiti aur hathi

Chiti ne hathi ke kaan me kuch kaha to hathi behosh ho gaya.
actually chiti boli : Main tumhare bacchhe ki maa banne wali hu.

Police

Police : Tumhe kal subah 5 baje phansi di jayegi.
Suresh : ha ha ha.
Police : kyu hass rahe ho?
Suresh : Mai to subah 8 baje tak sota hu.

Santa Banta

Santa was weeping at a grave, "Why did you die? Your death ruined my life."

Banta: For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent? Wife? or Girlfriend ?

Santa: My wife’s first husband.

Essay on Dog

Teacher to Student: Kid, your essay on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy from him?

Student: No, teacher, it's about the same dog.

Electricity bill

Ek chota baccha doosre bacche se agar agar din me suraj nahi nikla toh kya hoga.
Doosra baccha: Electricity bill bad jayega

Boy & Girl

Boy:Main tumse shaadi nahi kar sakta, gharwale mana kar rahe hai.
Girl:Ghar me kaun kaun hai?
Boy:Ek biwi aur 3 bachhe.

Pappu

Teacher:Mamooli word ko sentence mein istemaal karo. Pappu ne socha... socha... socha...aur bola:Meri maa mooli ke parathe bahut khati hai.

Dog & Cat

A dog thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, and take good care of me... They must be gods!

A cat thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house and take good care of me...
I must be a god!

पुलिस

पुलिस (राकेश से)- खबर है कि आपके घर में विस्फोटक सामग्री है।
राकेश - सर खबर तो एक दम पक्की है पर वो अभी मायके गयी हुई है।:)

सपना

पति- जान, मैंने रात एक बहुत प्यारा सपना देखा। मैंने देखा कि तुम मेरे लिए मेरा पसंदीदा खाना बनाकर लाई हो और मुझे अपने हाथों से खिला रही हो। इतना ही नहीं, खाना खिलाने के बाद मेरे पैर भी दबा रही हो।
पत्नी- अब तो मुझे पक्का यकीन हो गया।
पति- क्या?
पत्नी- कि सपना कभी अपना नहीं होता।

Chemistry Class

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Shyam, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.” :)

Baniya

Baniya on his death time.
My wife, where r u ?
Wife:Yes, I’m here
My sons daughters ru all here?
Yes, Papa
Baniya:To phir brabar wale kamre
ka pankha Q khula hay ???

Wish For Groom

Raghupati raghav raja ram aisa var dena Bhagwan,

subah ko uthke jo chai banaye,

chai banakar mujhe uthaye

phir kahe ise peeo meri jaan…

isa var dena Bhagwan !

Dopahr ko jab wo break mein aaye,

aake jaldi se lunch banaye,

phir kahe ise chakho meri jaan…

isa war dena Bhagwan !

Sham ko jab wo office se aaye,

sare din ki kamaai pakdaaye,

phir kahe ise udao meri jaan…

isa war dena Bhagwan !

Biwi

Aik admi apni biwi ko dafna kay ghar ja raha tha kay achanak bijli chamki,
badal garje, jor se baarish shuru hui dukhi aadmi bola: Lagta hai pahunch gai

Tommy Hilfiger Mens Cambridge Trifold Wallet, Black, One Size 

Wife Husband

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the
other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of
the mouth.

Baba ji

Baba Ji ka dera bohot chamatkari hai. Sach mano vaha jo bhi koi buri niyat se jata hai, jalke bhasam ho jata hai.

Salman vaha gaya to bhasam ho gaya, Hrithik bhi bhasam ho gaya. Malika vaha gayi to…

….to anarth ho gaya….

Babaji jalke bhasam ho gaye!!!

Types of Woman

HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
INTERNET woman:
Difficult to access.
SERVER woman:
Always busy when you need her.
CD-ROM woman:
She is always faster and faster.
EMAIL woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS woman:
Also called “wife”; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don’t you will lose everything!!

गोल

शाम :- (फुटबाल के मैदानपर राम से ) - अरे ये लोग बार बार  ball  को क्यों मार रहे है ?

राम :- '' अरे वे लोग गोल कर रहे है ''
शाम : '' अरे ball  तो पहलेसे गोल है , और कितना गोल करेंगे ...............?

ससुराल

पिता (पुत्र से)- बेटा अगर ससुराल वाले स्कूटर दें तो कार मांगना, दुकान दें तो घर मांगना, कूलर दें तो एसी मांगना।
बेटा (पिता से)- अगर वो लड़की दें तो क्या उसकी मां को मांगू।

money in kitty

What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
There was money in the kitty.

संता

संता ने कॉल लगाई तो आवाज़ आई, `इस कॉल के लिये आपका बैलेंस पर्याप्त नहीं है!`
संता: कोई बात नहीं मेरी जान! तुमसे बात हो जाती है बस इतना ही काफी है!

yoga

My sweet girlfriend had habit of biting her fingernails. She started doing YOGA to treat the problem. Soon her finger-nails started growing normally.

Seeing this, I asked if yoga had totally cured her problem.

"No," she replied with a funny sweet smile, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."

Santa & Priest

Santa asks Priest: Why did god make women so beautiful?

Priest: So that you will love them.

Santa thinks for a short time...

Santa: But why did God make them so dumb?

Priest: So that they will love you

Great Indians

Indian Prime Minister: We are sending Indians to the moon next year!

US President: Wow! How many?

Indian Prime Minister: 7 OBC, 5 SC, 8 ST, 3 Handicapped, 2 Sports Persons, 3 Terrorist Affected, 3 Kashmiri Migrants, 2 MPs & 1 Astronaut.

Always Keep Smiling: bade ho kar kya banoge

Always Keep Smiling: bade ho kar kya banoge

डॉक्टर मरीज

डॉक्टर (मरीज से)- अब तुम बिल्कुल ठीक हो गये हो फिर भी क्यों डर रहे हो?

मरीज (डॉक्टर से)- जिस गाड़ी से मेरा एक्सीडेंट हुआ था उस पर लिखा था फिर मिलेंगे।

bade ho kar kya banoge

Teacher: Bade ho kar tum kya karoge?
Student: Ji shaadi.

Teacher: Mera matalab, kya banoge?
Student: Ji dulha.

Teacher: Are, mera matlab hai, kya hasil karoge?
Student: Ji DULHAN.

Biwi & Shohar

Biwi: “Aap ne pichle saal meri birthday pe mujhe lohay ka bed banwa ke diya tha, Iss dafa aapka kya iraada hai?”

Shohar: “Iss saal uss mein current chodne ka iraada hai.”

from many resources

Santa Banta

After returning back from a foreign trip, Santa asked his wife, Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Santa: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with
me,and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
legally."

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position.



As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied , " in-laws"

dhakkan

चूहा

एक चीता Cigarette का सुट्टा लगाने ही वाला था, एक हाथी अफीम पी रहा था , चूहा बोला,"मेरे भाई छोड़ दो नशा आओ मेरे साथ खुबसूरत जंगल देखो" 2 साथ दौड़ने लगा.आगे शेर whisky पीने की तैयारी कर रहा था , चूहे ने उसे भी वही कहा. शेर ने चूहे को 5- 6 थप्पड़ मारे.हाथी बोला ," अरे ये तो तुम्हे ज़िन्दगी की तरफ ले जा रहा है , क्यों मार रहे हो इस बेचारे को ?" शेर बोला," यह कमीना पिछली बार भी Bhang पी कर मुझे 3 घंटे जंगल मै घुमाता रहा "

A AND B

A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!

Factory workers

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

Teacher and Maria

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.

मरीज डॉक्टर

मरीज (डॉक्टर से)- डॉक्टर साहब क्या आप मेरी बीमारी का पता लगा सकते हैं।
डॉक्टर (गुस्से से)- हां तुम्हारी आंखें बहुत कमजोर हैं।
मरीज- आपको कैसे पता चला?
डॉक्टर- तुमने बाहर बोर्ड पर नही पढ़ा कि मैं जानवरों का डॉक्टर हूं।

Sardar

A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules here in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year. Saint Peter said, "OK, Ill buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though its not the answer I expected.

But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?" The Singh replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..." Saint Peter opens the gate without another word.

PAPA AUR BETA

Beta papa se: Papa main itna bada kab ho jaunga ki mummy se bina poochey ghar se bahar ja sakoo.
Papa thandi saans lete hue: Beta, itna bada toh abhi main bhi nahi hua hoon.

बांके लाल

बांके लाल (जूस वाले से)- जल्दी से 1 गिलास जूस दो लड़ाई होने वाली है..
पीने के बाद..
1 गिलास जूस और दो लड़ाई होने वाली है।
जूस वाला- लड़ाई कब होगी..
बांके- जब तू जूस के पैसे मांगेगा

स्त्री

1. आपके पास ऐसी स्त्री हो जो घर का काम करे, खाना बनाए और कपड़े धोए।
2. आपके पास ऐसी स्त्री हो जो आपको हंसाये और खुश रखे।
3. आपके पास ऐसी स्त्री हो जिस पर आप विश्वास कर सकें और जो आपसे झूठ न बोले।
4. आपके पास ऐसी स्त्री हो जो आपको प्यार करे और आपके साथ रहकर आनंद का अनुभव करे।
5. आखिरी और सबसे महत्वपूर्ण बात - उपरोक्त चारों स्त्रियां एक दूसरे से कतई परिचित न हों ।

संता और बंता

संता और बंता एक चार इंजन वाले हवाई जहाज में यात्रा कर रहे थे। अचानक जहाज के नीचे की तरफ से जोर की आवाज आई । पायलट ने घोषणा की - ''हवाई जहाज के एक इंजिन ने काम करना बंद कर दिया है इसलिये हमें अपनी गति कम करनी पड़ रही है। अब हम लोग लगभग 1 घंटा देर से पहुंचेंगे।''
कुछ देर बाद फिर जोर की आवाज आई और उसके बाद पायलट ने घोषणा की - ''जहाज के दूसरे इंजन ने भी काम करना बंद कर दिया है। अब हम लोग लगभग 3 घंटे देरी से पहुंचेंगे।''
कुछ देर बाद फिर एक आवाज हुई और पायलट ने बताया कि अब जहाज लगभग 6 घंटे देरी से पहुंचेगा।
संता ने अपने बगल में बैठे बंता के कान में फुसफुसाया - ''यार ! ये तो हद हो गई! अगर चौथा इंजन भी काम करना बंद कर दे तो क्या हम पूरा दिन आकाश में ही टंगे रहेंगे ?'

मच्छर

एक मच्छर ने आदमी को दिन में काटा.

आदमी (मच्छर से) - "तो अब तुमने दिन में भी काटना शुरू कर दिया ?"

मच्छर - "घर के हालात बहुत ख़राब चल रहे हैं. इसलिए Overtime कर रहा हूँ !!!"

Mallika at Railway Station

Mallika arrived at a Railway Station for a shooting.

Bhikhari: Behanji 1 rupiya dedo.

Malika gave him 1000 Rs.



Secretary: Why u gave him 1000 Rs..?

Malika: Pehli bar kisine behan kaha!

COINCIDENCE

TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?"
PAPPU : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

TEACHER AND PAPPU

TEACHER : PAPPU, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his ?
PAPPU: No, teacher, it's the same dog !

FATHER AND BOY

Small boy: "Dad , can you write in the dark?"
Father: "I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
Small Boy: "Your name on the report card."

अध्यापक-चिंटू

अध्यापक (चिंटू से)- इतनी पिटाई के बाद भी तुम हंस रहे हो।

चिंटू- गांधी जी ने कहा है, मुसीबत का समय हंसकर गुजारना चाहिए।